Diary of a Pastor's Wife...Depression

I know that the word depression is "taboo". As Christians we are all "suppose" to be beyond happy all the time and NEVER and I mean NEVER struggle with depression. Well, the fact of the matter is that there are so many people who really do struggle with depression- more than you might think. How do I know this? Well, because being a pastor's wife, I have the opportunity to listen to many people in some of their darkest times and hear the pain of their struggles, and because I've struggled with depression for many years. I guess that it is something that runs in my family, and I have to joy of struggling with it quite often.


Now I know what some of you are thinking, Wendy, I have a hard time thinking that you struggle with depression because you are always bouncing off the walls! Ha-ha! I guess that's true also, but the thing that most people don't see are the days when I struggle to get out of bed and struggle to just do every day normal activities because of the depression. I have prayed for many years for the Lord to help me overcome this thing, and I have begged God to take it away. Nevertheless, God, in His Father like way, always reminds me that His grace is sufficient for me. I have tried everything to make it go away because I have lived in a heap of quilt because of it. I heard someone once say that if you struggle with depression it's because you’re not sharing the gospel enough. So, in one year, I shared the gospel and led over 50 people to faith in Jesus. And guess what? I still struggled with depression. Then I read an article about St. Johns Wort and how it helps with depression. So guess what? I took St. Johns Wort  and guess what? I still struggled with depression. I would have tried a prescription drug for depression from a doctor but with my liver disease I figured that I'd better stay away from it if I could help it, so I never tried it. I say all this to say that regardless of what I tried God would not let this thing pass from me. I would just sit, cry, and beg God to please, please help me to overcome this thing. And God would remind me again that His grace is sufficient for me. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a mean God". I know that it would be tempting to think that, but what I've learned is quite the opposite. God has used this struggle in my life to teach me to rely on Him. I've learned, that for me, it's the thing that keeps me before Him and reminds me every day of how much He loves me and is there for me. All right, I know you’re thinking that I've lost it and not only do I struggle with depression but apparently I'm now delusional. I mean, how in the world could I think that God leaving the depression in my life would be a sign of how much He loves me and is there for me. Well, let me tell you a little something about myself. I can tend to be pretty self-sufficient. I mean, I really struggle with continually reminding myself and practicing God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. I am a go-getter by nature and it can be positive and negative at the same time. My depression is a constant reminder to me that I need God everyday and in every way. You see, God is using this thing in my life to help me stay dependant on His power to sustain me. I CANNOT do it on my own. He has to help me. I know that this subject is probably a no, no for a typical pastor's wife to talk about, let alone struggle with, but there is one thing that I am not, and that is a typical pastor's wife. I'm just me. A sinner saved by the beautiful grace of an all-powerful and loving God who, by what reason I will never know, choose to forgive me and give me life. So, for as many days as God will allow, I'm going to try and be real and be all that He created me to be. I hope if you struggle with depression that you would remember to not let the devil hold you in a big heap of guilt because of it. It may be the very thing that God will use to remind you that He can take even the things that are hard and ugly in our lives and turn them into something that make us look more like Jesus. And that my friend is a beautiful thing.

It's WAR!!!

Warfare in the Christian’s life is real. It can be the thing that comes after you when you least expect it, when you’re not looking, or the thing that is right in front of your face every day and never seems to go away. Have you ever had something come up in your life that totally blew you out of the water? You know, it is like the old adage, “When it rains, it pours.” I think that sometimes we chalk those things up to happen stance or coincidence, but what if what we are really fighting is not that ugly person that will not go away, or the situation that never seems to improve, or the burden that never seems to be lifted, or a million other things? What if what you are wrestling with today is actually a spiritual war? A battle between the God you serve, that lives in you, and an unseen enemy? Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”


As a pastor’s family, we deal with these battles non-stop. Sometimes the battles are so intense that you feel as though your knees are going to buckle under you. The enemy is real and your “real” enemy is not the person or the situation you might think it is! He is unseen, but there is one thing we know about him, and that is he is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour (1 Pet. 5:8) .


As I move through these battles in my own spiritual war, I try and always remember that my battle is NEVER really with a particular person or a particular situation. When I put a face to my battle, then I begin battling on an earthly level, but when I realize that what I am fighting against is a spiritual war, then my focus becomes diverted from what I can see to the one that sees all. God is always at work and His word says that the battle is not ours but His (2 Chronicles 20:15b ). The battle is with the enemy of God, which has become my enemy, because he knows that he cannot have my soul so he will try to take my witness, my joy, my peace, and my rest and reliance in the one who can give me victory in the battle. He is clever isn’t he? That is why in I Peter 5:8 the word says to be sober and vigilant. Without the power of God in our lives, we will never be successful.  It's only in Him that we gain perspective and have the wisdom and strength we need in order to fight these battles and win.


As I am reading the Old Testament, I cannot help but see a pattern on how the Israelites fought their successful battles. First, they did not move until God told them to. They made sure that God was going to be with them in the battle before they set out to do anything. As believers in Christ, we know that the Holy Spirit is with us in every battle that we go into. We are never alone. The thing we must do is pray and ask God “when” are we suppose to move so that we move in His power and not our own. The second thing I have noticed is that the Israelites followed the “plan”. If God said to march around the city for seven days ,and then on the seventh day to shout, then they did it. It did not have to make sense for them to do it. They just obeyed, because they knew that the battle was not theirs but God’s. As believers, we need to do the same. The bible says to love our enemies. If the battle that you are having involves someone and God tells you to bless him or her, pray for them, and do good to them, then you do it (Luke 6:27-28). It does not have to make sense on an earthly level because the battle is the Lord’s. If you are going to win the fight then you have to obey the commander and His orders.


In addition, we must always remember that we are not powerful enough to win on our own. I mean, let us be honest, how many of you really think that you can fight the powers of darkness without some SERIOUS help? Haha! We can’t! If we could do it and win, then we would think we were all that and a bag of chips! That is why we need God. That way we can move when He tells us, and we can do what He tells us ,and when we see the victory come, then our only response is to fall to our knees and thank God for His grace and His power to pull us through the storm.


Let us be real here. Some battles are harder than others and longer than others, but in the final analysis the thing that really counts on whether we will have victory or not is, did we wait on God for directions, and when we got the directions did we do exactly what He said to do? God’s word is FULL of battle plans. We need to be careful not to go out in the strength of the flesh and try to fight and then blame God for not fixing our messes. His word gives us plenty of directions and plans for dealing with these wars and once we find what He says, we must seek Him in prayer to know how to engage our enemy in a way that gives Him the glory and honor He deserves as our Commander. Now, let us put on the armor and follow our General into battle! It’s WAR!

When Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse....A funny story of our early marriage!

I had to laugh today. I was thinking about when Pete and I first got married. I was 18 and Pete was 19! I know, we were crazy! Haha! Even though we have now been happily married for over 18 years, we sure did not start out that way. Just listen to one of our conversations after being married for a few months.


Wendy: You never hold my hand anymore. I always have to hold your hand first.

Pete: That is not true. You cannot say that I "NEVER" hold your hand first.

Wendy: (In frustration) Well, ok, so you "hardly" ever hold my hand first.

Pete: (In frustration) I think that you need a hobby.

Wendy: (Eyebrows turned down) What do you mean I need a hobby?

Pete: (Oh,oh!) Well, I think it would be great if you had something to do to keep your mind busy.

Wendy: (Wondering if murder is an option here) Well, you never really listen to me.

Pete: (Wondering where this one is going) What do you mean?

Wendy: I wish that you were in my world more.

Pete: (Probably thinking about how great a hobby would be for me right now!) What do you mean in your world more?

Wendy: Well, I wish that you were more romantic.

Pete: (Wondering how in the world am I going to get out of this one) What do you mean more romantic?

Wendy: Well, I want to feel safe.

Pete: (Thinking how LONG is this conversation going to last) What do you mean feel safe?

Wendy: Well, I do not know. I don’t know how to explain it.

Pete: (In COMPLETE and TOTAL frustration says,) " WENDY, you want me to be a combination of Albert Einstein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, and Pepe Le Pew and I CAN'T!

Wendy: (Oh no he didn't! I know that he Did Not just say that to ME!)

Pete: (Ok, either I'm dead or this conversation will be over for quite some time because she will not be talking to me for at least a week!)

HaHa! Well, does this sound a little familiar ladies? When we first start off in marriage, we think that we are the princess and we have married our prince charming. Then, REALITY sets in and we find that our prince charming has fallen off his horse and is on the ground! Life with two flawed people makes for an interesting blog. LOL First, you realize that you've married an imperfect person, and then you realize, oh wait, I'm apparently not perfect either. :)  Isn't life funny!  I will always look back on our early years of marriage with a great big "heart smile", because I know that God must have laughed at Pete and I trying to figure out this crazy life together!

You know, God really used that conversation above to show me something very valuable. The lesson I learned that day is that there is NEVER going to be another person who will fill that place in my heart that longs to be always loved, kept safe, and held perfectly. There's only room for one person on the throne of my heart and that place is only reserved for Jesus. No person will ever be able to fill it because we are all flawed. No matter how much someone loves you and desires to be there for you, only God will never let you down. It is a God shaped hole that only He can fill.

Even though I have a WONDERFUL husband that God has blessed me with beyond measure and has been so gracious in putting up with some of my crazy conversations and strange questions, only God will always be the perfect gravity defying, horseback- riding, prince charming.

How do I have JOY in the midst of pain?

There is a passage in James 1:2-4 that really used to puzzle me. James says, "Consider it 'pure joy' whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything."

I used to think to myself that that sounds great when life is good. I would give a heartfelt "Amen" to that, but when the trials would come, I would not be counting anything in the trial as "pure joy." I found myself feeling guilty that I was not in the depths of joy when the trials came in like a flood. I understood that God wanted to produce perseverance in me so that I could look more like Jesus through the trial and after the trial, but it was in the midst of the trial that I struggled with the joy part. I mean, let us be honest, how many of us really are thrilled to death when hard times come? I thought to myself that maybe I just was not spiritual enough to be in the throngs of total joyful bliss when it looked like life was falling apart.

However, one day, as I was studying this scripture, it hit me what James was talking about. James was not taking about being in "pure joy" over the trial I was in, but he was referring to having "pure joy" in the one who was in control of the trial. You see, we do not have to have "pure joy" in the trial of dealing with sickness or the death of a loved one or financial difficulties or a whole myriad of struggles and problems. Our "pure joy" is not in the trial itself; it is in the one who is in control of the trial! My "pure joy" is knowing that I serve a God who is totally and completely in control of the difficulties I may face! I can have that "pure joy" in the midst of uncertainty because I serve a God who is certain, a God who NEVER changes, and a God who is using the trial in my life to help me look more and more like His son Jesus.

You see, it is easy to love God and serve Him when all is well. It is easy to say how great He is when we can see our way clearly, and there are no apparent obstacles in our way. It is a different story when the struggles are so great that you cannot think straight, and the pain is so deep that it hurts to breathe. We have to be very careful when those trials come because the devil will always try to use those times of pain to get you to doubt the character of God. He wants you to think that God is a liar - that what God says is not true because if God really loved you then why in the world is __________ (you fill in the blank) happening. I think that's why James, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, wrote these verses as a reminder to us to keep the proper perspective of trials and what they are for and who is in control in the midst of them.

I cannot tell you how many times the Lord has brought these verses to my heart when I had been dealing with a difficult time. It is as if the Holy Spirit would use these verses to whisper to my heart that God is in control, and I can trust Him. I can have that "pure joy" because the God I serve is the one and only true God, He is the God who scooped out the oceans with His hand, yet He knows my name, the very God who spoke the world into existence but is not too big to know the number of hairs on my head, the God who speaks and the wind and waves obey His command, yet He took the time to form me in my mother’s womb. This is the God we love and serve. Even in the midst of uncertainty, He is certain, and we can trust Him and have "pure joy."

I hope that this encourages your heart today! God loves you so much that He sent His one and only son to die for you! He desires to have a real relationship with you where He will walk with you through every trial you will ever face. Have you truly given your life to Him? If not, you can. Religion is a poor substitute for the real thing. A relationship with Jesus is what changes your life. That relationship has helped me through those trials I was talking to you about. You can also have that assurance that God is with you through everything. Are you sure you know Him? If not, email me at pwjj4@yahoo.com, and I would be glad to talk with you. I love you, and God loves you, too!

God's GREAT love!!

I was going through a bunch of old papers, and I ran across this little vingnette I wrote about nine years ago. I thought that some of you would be encouraged by reading it!

God's GREAT love!

What great love! I can’t even comprehend it. It goes beyond what my mind or my heart can fathom. It reaches to even the vilest part of my soul and yet still loves. It looks at me in my wickedness and my failure and tenderly wipes my tears. Who is this God that can love like this? That can look into the sin stained eyes of man and say with no apology, “I love you." Who can touch the very part of me I wouldn’t want anyone to see and dust it off with His mercy as though it were a thin layer of dirt that had hidden the true beauty beneath. What is this God about and why on earth would He care that way for me?

Oh, I know what you are about, and how I can see how much you care for this feeble frame you call man. Your heart burns with a passion for me that I cannot comprehend, and even though I cannot understand it, I can feel it. I can feel it when I look at my child sleeping and you remind me that he was in your heart long before you made him, and it was your handy work that formed every beautiful detail of his small frame. I can feel it when my husband looks at me with that special softness in his eyes, and when he embraces me, it’s as though your soft arms are wrapped around me saying, “I’m here. I’m here." I can feel it when I’m struggling and afraid, and your words come to my mind. It’s as though a blanket of peace and comfort cover my cold trembling body, and you whisper to me, “I’ll never leave you. I’ll never forsake you.”

You amaze me! There is truly none like you. Never has there been another like you and never will there ever be. You are magnificent, beautiful, kind, merciful, gracious, awesome, and Holy. You encompass these words and so many more. There are no words that can fully describe who you are, and yet even though you are all of these things, you still care for me. You are still touched when I fail. You are still there when I cry, and when I am afraid, you are there to comfort me.

Who is this God you might ask? This God is Jesus Christ, the son of the Most High God. The Great I Am, the everlasting Father, the prince of peace, the daddy to the orphaned and the husband to the widow, the binder of the brokenhearted, and the shelter from the cold. This is the God that loves me, and this is the God that loves you, too!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Well, I know what most of you are thinking, and no, I’m not talking about Tina Turner! HaHa! As I was thinking and praying for our Valentine’s Day Outreach, I couldn’t help but think about the power of love in our lives.

When we’re “in love," we feel as though we can move mountains and nothing is impossible. When we’re hurting and feeling alone and someone reaches out with loving kindness, we feel like we can make it. Love is a funny thing. It’s what every human being pursues with relentless passion. What’s the all too familiar saying? “LOVE makes the world go round!"

I can’t help but think of scripture when I think about these things. 1 John 4: 7-12 says, “7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”

I love these verses because it reminds me that in and of myself, it is impossible to love others the way that shows them Jesus is living in me. Vs. 12 says that no one has ever seen God. How is a world going to “see” God? They are going to “see” Him in us. When we love them without expecting anything in return, when we are kind while waiting in a long line at the grocery store, and when we keep silent when someone cops an attitude with us when we didn’t deserve it and our flesh wants to fight back yet we keep silent - that’s how they will “see” Him.

I have to be honest here when I say that apart from the power of Jesus in my life to restrain my tongue when someone is hateful or ugly, I couldn’t do it. Our flesh wants WAR! We want our way, in our time, for our purpose, and for our convenience! It’s only through our relationship with Jesus that we can remain humble and meek through the situations in life that challenge us, and that’s why loving the unlovely is soooo important. It shows them that there is a power in us that is not common in the ordinary person. That power is the power of God’s love!

As I think about the upcoming outreach, I couldn’t help but ask myself the tough question, “Am I loving others like Jesus?" Not just on Valentine’s Day but every day. We all are tested in different ways. As we go out, some of you may encounter only kind people who are grateful for your kindness to them. Others may encounter people who could care less that you bought a t-shirt, candy, flowers, etc. and are using your time in the streets of our community to share the love of Jesus! That’s when you have to ask yourself, “Am I loving like Jesus”? It’s sooo easy to love those who love you back! It’s when you encounter those who hurt you that your REAL motives and commitment to Jesus are tested.

So, what’s love got to do with it? EVERYTHING! It’s what the world is waiting to see as something REAL in our lives! When they see LOVE, they will “SEE” Jesus! God bless all of you, and know that I am praying for all of you who desire to show LOVE in your lives on Valentine’s Day and every other day!

Through the eyes of a child.

I have to share this sweet story with all of you.

We have a tradition in our family that our two sons work for $5.00 per person to buy a gift. They each will buy a $5.00 gift for Pete, their sibling, and one for me. We do this in order to teach them that if they want to give a gift to someone, it will cost them something to get the money to do it.

I usually go with Joshua to help him figure out his money, and Pete goes with Joseph. After Joshua bought his brother his gift, he wanted to get his daddy's gift. I asked him what he would like to buy his daddy, and he said, "I need to find the Jesus stuff." I asked him what he meant by "Jesus stuff." He said that he knew that what his daddy would love the most is something about Jesus. So I told him to ask a worker where he could find the "Jesus stuff." He found a young lady working in the sporting goods section and asked her where he could find some "Jesus stuff" for his daddy's gift. She smiled a big smile and asked what he meant by "Jesus stuff." He quickly responded, "Like books about Jesus, statues, and stuff." She smiled sweetly at him and pointed him to the inspirational book section.

I couldn't help but have a heart smile because of the thought that when Joshua thought about what his daddy loved the most, his thoughts couldn't help but go to JESUS. What a wonderful testimony to the life of his earthly father, and what a beautiful picture of life through the eyes of a child. I couldn't help but think to myself that at the end of it all will people be thinking of me that the thing I loved the most was the "Jesus stuff!"

What about you?