Diary of a Pastor's Wife...Depression

I know that the word depression is "taboo". As Christians we are all "suppose" to be beyond happy all the time and NEVER and I mean NEVER struggle with depression. Well, the fact of the matter is that there are so many people who really do struggle with depression- more than you might think. How do I know this? Well, because being a pastor's wife, I have the opportunity to listen to many people in some of their darkest times and hear the pain of their struggles, and because I've struggled with depression for many years. I guess that it is something that runs in my family, and I have to joy of struggling with it quite often.


Now I know what some of you are thinking, Wendy, I have a hard time thinking that you struggle with depression because you are always bouncing off the walls! Ha-ha! I guess that's true also, but the thing that most people don't see are the days when I struggle to get out of bed and struggle to just do every day normal activities because of the depression. I have prayed for many years for the Lord to help me overcome this thing, and I have begged God to take it away. Nevertheless, God, in His Father like way, always reminds me that His grace is sufficient for me. I have tried everything to make it go away because I have lived in a heap of quilt because of it. I heard someone once say that if you struggle with depression it's because you’re not sharing the gospel enough. So, in one year, I shared the gospel and led over 50 people to faith in Jesus. And guess what? I still struggled with depression. Then I read an article about St. Johns Wort and how it helps with depression. So guess what? I took St. Johns Wort  and guess what? I still struggled with depression. I would have tried a prescription drug for depression from a doctor but with my liver disease I figured that I'd better stay away from it if I could help it, so I never tried it. I say all this to say that regardless of what I tried God would not let this thing pass from me. I would just sit, cry, and beg God to please, please help me to overcome this thing. And God would remind me again that His grace is sufficient for me. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a mean God". I know that it would be tempting to think that, but what I've learned is quite the opposite. God has used this struggle in my life to teach me to rely on Him. I've learned, that for me, it's the thing that keeps me before Him and reminds me every day of how much He loves me and is there for me. All right, I know you’re thinking that I've lost it and not only do I struggle with depression but apparently I'm now delusional. I mean, how in the world could I think that God leaving the depression in my life would be a sign of how much He loves me and is there for me. Well, let me tell you a little something about myself. I can tend to be pretty self-sufficient. I mean, I really struggle with continually reminding myself and practicing God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. I am a go-getter by nature and it can be positive and negative at the same time. My depression is a constant reminder to me that I need God everyday and in every way. You see, God is using this thing in my life to help me stay dependant on His power to sustain me. I CANNOT do it on my own. He has to help me. I know that this subject is probably a no, no for a typical pastor's wife to talk about, let alone struggle with, but there is one thing that I am not, and that is a typical pastor's wife. I'm just me. A sinner saved by the beautiful grace of an all-powerful and loving God who, by what reason I will never know, choose to forgive me and give me life. So, for as many days as God will allow, I'm going to try and be real and be all that He created me to be. I hope if you struggle with depression that you would remember to not let the devil hold you in a big heap of guilt because of it. It may be the very thing that God will use to remind you that He can take even the things that are hard and ugly in our lives and turn them into something that make us look more like Jesus. And that my friend is a beautiful thing.

It's WAR!!!

Warfare in the Christian’s life is real. It can be the thing that comes after you when you least expect it, when you’re not looking, or the thing that is right in front of your face every day and never seems to go away. Have you ever had something come up in your life that totally blew you out of the water? You know, it is like the old adage, “When it rains, it pours.” I think that sometimes we chalk those things up to happen stance or coincidence, but what if what we are really fighting is not that ugly person that will not go away, or the situation that never seems to improve, or the burden that never seems to be lifted, or a million other things? What if what you are wrestling with today is actually a spiritual war? A battle between the God you serve, that lives in you, and an unseen enemy? Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”


As a pastor’s family, we deal with these battles non-stop. Sometimes the battles are so intense that you feel as though your knees are going to buckle under you. The enemy is real and your “real” enemy is not the person or the situation you might think it is! He is unseen, but there is one thing we know about him, and that is he is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour (1 Pet. 5:8) .


As I move through these battles in my own spiritual war, I try and always remember that my battle is NEVER really with a particular person or a particular situation. When I put a face to my battle, then I begin battling on an earthly level, but when I realize that what I am fighting against is a spiritual war, then my focus becomes diverted from what I can see to the one that sees all. God is always at work and His word says that the battle is not ours but His (2 Chronicles 20:15b ). The battle is with the enemy of God, which has become my enemy, because he knows that he cannot have my soul so he will try to take my witness, my joy, my peace, and my rest and reliance in the one who can give me victory in the battle. He is clever isn’t he? That is why in I Peter 5:8 the word says to be sober and vigilant. Without the power of God in our lives, we will never be successful.  It's only in Him that we gain perspective and have the wisdom and strength we need in order to fight these battles and win.


As I am reading the Old Testament, I cannot help but see a pattern on how the Israelites fought their successful battles. First, they did not move until God told them to. They made sure that God was going to be with them in the battle before they set out to do anything. As believers in Christ, we know that the Holy Spirit is with us in every battle that we go into. We are never alone. The thing we must do is pray and ask God “when” are we suppose to move so that we move in His power and not our own. The second thing I have noticed is that the Israelites followed the “plan”. If God said to march around the city for seven days ,and then on the seventh day to shout, then they did it. It did not have to make sense for them to do it. They just obeyed, because they knew that the battle was not theirs but God’s. As believers, we need to do the same. The bible says to love our enemies. If the battle that you are having involves someone and God tells you to bless him or her, pray for them, and do good to them, then you do it (Luke 6:27-28). It does not have to make sense on an earthly level because the battle is the Lord’s. If you are going to win the fight then you have to obey the commander and His orders.


In addition, we must always remember that we are not powerful enough to win on our own. I mean, let us be honest, how many of you really think that you can fight the powers of darkness without some SERIOUS help? Haha! We can’t! If we could do it and win, then we would think we were all that and a bag of chips! That is why we need God. That way we can move when He tells us, and we can do what He tells us ,and when we see the victory come, then our only response is to fall to our knees and thank God for His grace and His power to pull us through the storm.


Let us be real here. Some battles are harder than others and longer than others, but in the final analysis the thing that really counts on whether we will have victory or not is, did we wait on God for directions, and when we got the directions did we do exactly what He said to do? God’s word is FULL of battle plans. We need to be careful not to go out in the strength of the flesh and try to fight and then blame God for not fixing our messes. His word gives us plenty of directions and plans for dealing with these wars and once we find what He says, we must seek Him in prayer to know how to engage our enemy in a way that gives Him the glory and honor He deserves as our Commander. Now, let us put on the armor and follow our General into battle! It’s WAR!

When Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse....A funny story of our early marriage!

I had to laugh today. I was thinking about when Pete and I first got married. I was 18 and Pete was 19! I know, we were crazy! Haha! Even though we have now been happily married for over 18 years, we sure did not start out that way. Just listen to one of our conversations after being married for a few months.


Wendy: You never hold my hand anymore. I always have to hold your hand first.

Pete: That is not true. You cannot say that I "NEVER" hold your hand first.

Wendy: (In frustration) Well, ok, so you "hardly" ever hold my hand first.

Pete: (In frustration) I think that you need a hobby.

Wendy: (Eyebrows turned down) What do you mean I need a hobby?

Pete: (Oh,oh!) Well, I think it would be great if you had something to do to keep your mind busy.

Wendy: (Wondering if murder is an option here) Well, you never really listen to me.

Pete: (Wondering where this one is going) What do you mean?

Wendy: I wish that you were in my world more.

Pete: (Probably thinking about how great a hobby would be for me right now!) What do you mean in your world more?

Wendy: Well, I wish that you were more romantic.

Pete: (Wondering how in the world am I going to get out of this one) What do you mean more romantic?

Wendy: Well, I want to feel safe.

Pete: (Thinking how LONG is this conversation going to last) What do you mean feel safe?

Wendy: Well, I do not know. I don’t know how to explain it.

Pete: (In COMPLETE and TOTAL frustration says,) " WENDY, you want me to be a combination of Albert Einstein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, and Pepe Le Pew and I CAN'T!

Wendy: (Oh no he didn't! I know that he Did Not just say that to ME!)

Pete: (Ok, either I'm dead or this conversation will be over for quite some time because she will not be talking to me for at least a week!)

HaHa! Well, does this sound a little familiar ladies? When we first start off in marriage, we think that we are the princess and we have married our prince charming. Then, REALITY sets in and we find that our prince charming has fallen off his horse and is on the ground! Life with two flawed people makes for an interesting blog. LOL First, you realize that you've married an imperfect person, and then you realize, oh wait, I'm apparently not perfect either. :)  Isn't life funny!  I will always look back on our early years of marriage with a great big "heart smile", because I know that God must have laughed at Pete and I trying to figure out this crazy life together!

You know, God really used that conversation above to show me something very valuable. The lesson I learned that day is that there is NEVER going to be another person who will fill that place in my heart that longs to be always loved, kept safe, and held perfectly. There's only room for one person on the throne of my heart and that place is only reserved for Jesus. No person will ever be able to fill it because we are all flawed. No matter how much someone loves you and desires to be there for you, only God will never let you down. It is a God shaped hole that only He can fill.

Even though I have a WONDERFUL husband that God has blessed me with beyond measure and has been so gracious in putting up with some of my crazy conversations and strange questions, only God will always be the perfect gravity defying, horseback- riding, prince charming.

How do I have JOY in the midst of pain?

There is a passage in James 1:2-4 that really used to puzzle me. James says, "Consider it 'pure joy' whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything."

I used to think to myself that that sounds great when life is good. I would give a heartfelt "Amen" to that, but when the trials would come, I would not be counting anything in the trial as "pure joy." I found myself feeling guilty that I was not in the depths of joy when the trials came in like a flood. I understood that God wanted to produce perseverance in me so that I could look more like Jesus through the trial and after the trial, but it was in the midst of the trial that I struggled with the joy part. I mean, let us be honest, how many of us really are thrilled to death when hard times come? I thought to myself that maybe I just was not spiritual enough to be in the throngs of total joyful bliss when it looked like life was falling apart.

However, one day, as I was studying this scripture, it hit me what James was talking about. James was not taking about being in "pure joy" over the trial I was in, but he was referring to having "pure joy" in the one who was in control of the trial. You see, we do not have to have "pure joy" in the trial of dealing with sickness or the death of a loved one or financial difficulties or a whole myriad of struggles and problems. Our "pure joy" is not in the trial itself; it is in the one who is in control of the trial! My "pure joy" is knowing that I serve a God who is totally and completely in control of the difficulties I may face! I can have that "pure joy" in the midst of uncertainty because I serve a God who is certain, a God who NEVER changes, and a God who is using the trial in my life to help me look more and more like His son Jesus.

You see, it is easy to love God and serve Him when all is well. It is easy to say how great He is when we can see our way clearly, and there are no apparent obstacles in our way. It is a different story when the struggles are so great that you cannot think straight, and the pain is so deep that it hurts to breathe. We have to be very careful when those trials come because the devil will always try to use those times of pain to get you to doubt the character of God. He wants you to think that God is a liar - that what God says is not true because if God really loved you then why in the world is __________ (you fill in the blank) happening. I think that's why James, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, wrote these verses as a reminder to us to keep the proper perspective of trials and what they are for and who is in control in the midst of them.

I cannot tell you how many times the Lord has brought these verses to my heart when I had been dealing with a difficult time. It is as if the Holy Spirit would use these verses to whisper to my heart that God is in control, and I can trust Him. I can have that "pure joy" because the God I serve is the one and only true God, He is the God who scooped out the oceans with His hand, yet He knows my name, the very God who spoke the world into existence but is not too big to know the number of hairs on my head, the God who speaks and the wind and waves obey His command, yet He took the time to form me in my mother’s womb. This is the God we love and serve. Even in the midst of uncertainty, He is certain, and we can trust Him and have "pure joy."

I hope that this encourages your heart today! God loves you so much that He sent His one and only son to die for you! He desires to have a real relationship with you where He will walk with you through every trial you will ever face. Have you truly given your life to Him? If not, you can. Religion is a poor substitute for the real thing. A relationship with Jesus is what changes your life. That relationship has helped me through those trials I was talking to you about. You can also have that assurance that God is with you through everything. Are you sure you know Him? If not, email me at pwjj4@yahoo.com, and I would be glad to talk with you. I love you, and God loves you, too!

God's GREAT love!!

I was going through a bunch of old papers, and I ran across this little vingnette I wrote about nine years ago. I thought that some of you would be encouraged by reading it!

God's GREAT love!

What great love! I can’t even comprehend it. It goes beyond what my mind or my heart can fathom. It reaches to even the vilest part of my soul and yet still loves. It looks at me in my wickedness and my failure and tenderly wipes my tears. Who is this God that can love like this? That can look into the sin stained eyes of man and say with no apology, “I love you." Who can touch the very part of me I wouldn’t want anyone to see and dust it off with His mercy as though it were a thin layer of dirt that had hidden the true beauty beneath. What is this God about and why on earth would He care that way for me?

Oh, I know what you are about, and how I can see how much you care for this feeble frame you call man. Your heart burns with a passion for me that I cannot comprehend, and even though I cannot understand it, I can feel it. I can feel it when I look at my child sleeping and you remind me that he was in your heart long before you made him, and it was your handy work that formed every beautiful detail of his small frame. I can feel it when my husband looks at me with that special softness in his eyes, and when he embraces me, it’s as though your soft arms are wrapped around me saying, “I’m here. I’m here." I can feel it when I’m struggling and afraid, and your words come to my mind. It’s as though a blanket of peace and comfort cover my cold trembling body, and you whisper to me, “I’ll never leave you. I’ll never forsake you.”

You amaze me! There is truly none like you. Never has there been another like you and never will there ever be. You are magnificent, beautiful, kind, merciful, gracious, awesome, and Holy. You encompass these words and so many more. There are no words that can fully describe who you are, and yet even though you are all of these things, you still care for me. You are still touched when I fail. You are still there when I cry, and when I am afraid, you are there to comfort me.

Who is this God you might ask? This God is Jesus Christ, the son of the Most High God. The Great I Am, the everlasting Father, the prince of peace, the daddy to the orphaned and the husband to the widow, the binder of the brokenhearted, and the shelter from the cold. This is the God that loves me, and this is the God that loves you, too!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Well, I know what most of you are thinking, and no, I’m not talking about Tina Turner! HaHa! As I was thinking and praying for our Valentine’s Day Outreach, I couldn’t help but think about the power of love in our lives.

When we’re “in love," we feel as though we can move mountains and nothing is impossible. When we’re hurting and feeling alone and someone reaches out with loving kindness, we feel like we can make it. Love is a funny thing. It’s what every human being pursues with relentless passion. What’s the all too familiar saying? “LOVE makes the world go round!"

I can’t help but think of scripture when I think about these things. 1 John 4: 7-12 says, “7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.”

I love these verses because it reminds me that in and of myself, it is impossible to love others the way that shows them Jesus is living in me. Vs. 12 says that no one has ever seen God. How is a world going to “see” God? They are going to “see” Him in us. When we love them without expecting anything in return, when we are kind while waiting in a long line at the grocery store, and when we keep silent when someone cops an attitude with us when we didn’t deserve it and our flesh wants to fight back yet we keep silent - that’s how they will “see” Him.

I have to be honest here when I say that apart from the power of Jesus in my life to restrain my tongue when someone is hateful or ugly, I couldn’t do it. Our flesh wants WAR! We want our way, in our time, for our purpose, and for our convenience! It’s only through our relationship with Jesus that we can remain humble and meek through the situations in life that challenge us, and that’s why loving the unlovely is soooo important. It shows them that there is a power in us that is not common in the ordinary person. That power is the power of God’s love!

As I think about the upcoming outreach, I couldn’t help but ask myself the tough question, “Am I loving others like Jesus?" Not just on Valentine’s Day but every day. We all are tested in different ways. As we go out, some of you may encounter only kind people who are grateful for your kindness to them. Others may encounter people who could care less that you bought a t-shirt, candy, flowers, etc. and are using your time in the streets of our community to share the love of Jesus! That’s when you have to ask yourself, “Am I loving like Jesus”? It’s sooo easy to love those who love you back! It’s when you encounter those who hurt you that your REAL motives and commitment to Jesus are tested.

So, what’s love got to do with it? EVERYTHING! It’s what the world is waiting to see as something REAL in our lives! When they see LOVE, they will “SEE” Jesus! God bless all of you, and know that I am praying for all of you who desire to show LOVE in your lives on Valentine’s Day and every other day!

Through the eyes of a child.

I have to share this sweet story with all of you.

We have a tradition in our family that our two sons work for $5.00 per person to buy a gift. They each will buy a $5.00 gift for Pete, their sibling, and one for me. We do this in order to teach them that if they want to give a gift to someone, it will cost them something to get the money to do it.

I usually go with Joshua to help him figure out his money, and Pete goes with Joseph. After Joshua bought his brother his gift, he wanted to get his daddy's gift. I asked him what he would like to buy his daddy, and he said, "I need to find the Jesus stuff." I asked him what he meant by "Jesus stuff." He said that he knew that what his daddy would love the most is something about Jesus. So I told him to ask a worker where he could find the "Jesus stuff." He found a young lady working in the sporting goods section and asked her where he could find some "Jesus stuff" for his daddy's gift. She smiled a big smile and asked what he meant by "Jesus stuff." He quickly responded, "Like books about Jesus, statues, and stuff." She smiled sweetly at him and pointed him to the inspirational book section.

I couldn't help but have a heart smile because of the thought that when Joshua thought about what his daddy loved the most, his thoughts couldn't help but go to JESUS. What a wonderful testimony to the life of his earthly father, and what a beautiful picture of life through the eyes of a child. I couldn't help but think to myself that at the end of it all will people be thinking of me that the thing I loved the most was the "Jesus stuff!"

What about you?

Is Christ the reason for Christmas?

I couldn't help but think today about all the clichés and sayings during Christmas. I read all these pithy little slogans on keeping Jesus in Christmas and the reason for the season, and I wonder why we constantly have to remind ourselves of this if Christmas is for Christ in the first place.

I had just a sick feeling today when I thought about what Christmas really means. I couldn't help but think that if Christmas is REALLY about Jesus and celebrating His birth and who He was, then why in the world do we focus so much of our time, energy, and money on others around us that already know all of this. I wondered why did I buy all the gifts I did and gave them to the people that I love that already know all about Jesus and have opportunities to experience His blessings all year long.

I was convicted in my heart because I should have taken all of my time, energy, and money and gone out into our community and SHOWED Jesus to those who may not have a REAL picture of what Jesus is all about. I'm not saying that buying presents for our loved ones during Christmas is wrong, but what I am saying is that I was convicted about the amount of time that I spent on those around me compared to the time and effort and thought that I put in to those who may not really know Him.

I was out yesterday with a few friends. We went to a restaurant where we gave the young waitress a gift with some scripture on it, and she was taken aback by the gesture. She told us of her current struggles, and we prayed for her and told her that we would be praying for her. I couldn't help but leave that restaurant with a sense of joy because I couldn't help but think that if Jesus were here today, that's what Christmas would be about for Him. He would go to the least of these and give of Himself and all that He had.

I'm asking God to forgive me for missing so many things that I could have done this Christmas and asking Him to help me in the coming year to have my eyes wide open to opportunities that He opens for me. I pray for myself and all the followers of Jesus that we will wake up before time runs out and we miss the opportunities to be light in a dark world.

What's in a dream?

Have you ever had a dream where you woke up, and you’re emotionally disturbed by what you saw and moved by what you dreamt?

Well, last night I had one of those kinds of dreams. My dream was really long - so I won’t bore you with it -but it gave me a view of this world and what’s going on and what’s to come. When I woke up, I was emotionally disturbed and moved by the thought that this world is falling apart, and time is running out for us to be sharing the gospel with those we come in contact with. I wonder how long we really do have before this world passes away.

Regardless of your view on the end times, Pre-tribulation, Mid-tribulation, or Post-tribulation, I think that we can all agree that the signs of the times are more in place now than they have ever been. Even though I don’t really put much stock in the dreams I have, never knowing if it was bad pizza or not, I do have to say that God used that dream to shake me up a bit. I was reminded that time is running out on sharing the gospel with those I love and those whom God brings to my path. Being in Israel this year and seeing with my own eyes the Valley of Armageddon really was a sobering experience. I don’t want to ever forget that my time is limited here, and the opportunities I have are limited and short. I want to live my life with eternity in constant view, and God forgive me for the times that I don’t.

A Miracle Working God!

I was emailing our children’s director today about Joshua, and I couldn’t help but be amazed at what God has done in his life. To look at Joshua today, you wouldn’t be able to really tell that he had anything wrong or that he struggled in any way.

I don’t know if most of you know but Joshua was diagnosed with SIDDS when he was three and a half years old. SIDDS stands for Sensory Integration Dysfunction Disorder. It’s where the brain has problems knowing what to do when multiple senses would come at him at one time. For example, it took Joshua a long time before he could eat multiple textured foods because his brain would get confused with the multiple textures, and it wouldn’t be able to tell his tongue what to do in order to swallow. I had to pull my car over to the side of the road several times while driving in order to do a finger sweep on him to help him because he was choking. He wasn't able to drink water until he was 5 because he would choke due to the water not having any taste or texture. I can remember those potty training days and how I would have to train him in complete darkness because the sensation of having to go potty and the cold toilet on his little bottom and the bright lights of the bathroom where too much for him to handle at one time. He would sit there and say, “I’m occupied, I’m occupied!” Haha! We never really figured out what he meant by that! :) I can remember Pete carrying him in the back yard and having to put him down on the grass to walk without his shoes on and him screaming like he was on fire because the coldness of the grass and the texture of it completely overwhelmed him. I remember his obsession with licking new things. I never really figured out why he would do that, but when he would have a new thing he would lick it. :) Or, the extremely traumatic time we had to get his blood drawn when he was 5, and he kept screaming,” NO! NO! Don’t take my peanuts!!" I thought that the lab tech was going to fall over from laughing! She said that in all her years of drawing blood, she never heard that one! Haha! We did finally figure out, a few years later, what he meant by that. He told me that the little viles that they put your blood in looks like the shape of peanuts. :) Haha! Oh, and I almost forgot. When we did get him diagnosed at three and a half years old, we couldn't understand 90 percent of anything he said. He talked, what we called, Chinese. It was a mix of the sound of a deaf person and the Chinese language. My sweet Joseph memorized what some of the sounds meant and would “interpret” for us. God knew what he was doing when he gave Joshua such an AWESOME big brother. Joseph looks out for and adores his little brother.

Anyway, there are MANY other stories I can share with you, but I say all of these things to say that God works miracles. I remember crying when we found out about him having SIDS and asking myself how in the world will he have a “normal” life with this.

Well, God has been so faithful! Joshua will always have SIDDS, but God is good and has helped him to learn coping skills in order to deal with the multi-sensory problems. Do we serve a miracle working God? YES! My little Joshua is a BRIGHT picture of what an ALL-POWERFUL God can do with the life of one of His precious children! Thank you Jesus that you are and always will be in the business of working miracles and making your glory known among your people, and thank you for helping little Joshua to become all that you have planned for him to be!

I love you Joshua, and mommy is so proud of you for working so hard to be all that you can be!

What's in a name?

I was reading today about Isaiah's sons and how their names meant something in regards to his prophesy to the nation. As I thought about that, I had to laugh. Pete and I deliberately named our boys with the meaning of their names in mind.

Joseph is our first born, and his name is Joseph Aidan. Joseph means, “The Lord shall add,” and Aidan, we thought, meant, “warmth to the home." As I’ve been looking it up, I’ve come to find out that Aidan means, “a little fire." So his name means, “The Lord shall add a little fire!"

I had to laugh when I figured this out because in my mind his name was suppose to be a picture of a nice quiet little fellow, and our family would be one of those little Kodak moment pictures. Haha! God has great sense of humor!

Well, my little Joe is not quiet nor is he the little bit of warmth I thought I was getting! Haha! Instead, he IS my little FIRE! You know why this is so significant to me. It’s because as much as I would complain to God about him being too loud or too hard headed or too boisterous, the one thing that I realized was that he was what I needed in my life. Just as fire is put to gold or silver to refine it, so is fire applied to our lives to bring up the things in our lives that don’t look like Jesus.

God uses our children to turn the fire up and what comes to the surface of our lives is often in need of some refining from the Master Himself. I would often ask God why Joseph was not the quiet little fellow I imagined him to be, and God has told me, it’s because there were and still are some things in “Wendy” that needs a little Joseph to help her be more like Jesus.

So, I’m trying now, on the days when I find myself losing my temper and being short with him or not having patience or not being compassionate, to remember that God OFTEN uses our own children to bring up the stuff hiding under the surface so He can apply the fire and purify it! Thank you Jesus for my sweet Joseph and how you have used him in my life to help me be more like you and how you are working some awesome things in his life to make yourself known to him!

Would you say, Here am I Lord?

I'm reading a book about Isaiah, and I was struck by the hardships that this prophet faced because the people did not listen to him. When Isaiah saw the Lord his response was that he was a man of unclean lips. It struck me today when I really thought about what he meant when he said unclean lips. I thought in the past that Isaiah had recognized that what he spoke was unclean, but today when reading this, I realized that Isaiah meant something much deeper because he recognized that unclean lips are caused by an unclean heart. It's the thought that out of the mouth precedes the intent of the heart. When he saw the Lord in his glory and full of Holiness, he couldn't help but see himself for who he really was and that was an unclean man. Before God ever used Isaiah to minister to the people, he first had to show Isaiah his need for God in his own life. After this, Isaiah's response was, “Here am I Lord, send me". He didn't have to have a discussion with God about being called out like Moses and Jeremiah did. He volunteered to be a servant. God told Isaiah that his ministry would end in seeming failure but that a remnant would survive.

As I thought about this, I wondered to myself. I wonder if God put a want-ad in the paper that read, "Wanted: Servant for a hardhead bunch of people who will mock you and not listen to you. Also, to others around, you will seem like the biggest failure because what you set out to accomplish will not happen. They may accuse you of being a poor communicator and judgmental and will dislike you very much. If anyone is interested in the job, raise your hand and say, 'Here am I, Lord, send me!'"

Wow! Would you volunteer for that? In our success driven society where results are the only thing that matters, I would venture to say that very few would happily accept that position. This really made me think! I wondered to myself how many times had God told me to do something and I obeyed Him but the results were not what "I" expected, and I thought that I had failed Him. I wonder how many times we do what God says and even though it's not what we expected, it is what God intended.

I'm thankful that Isaiah did not cave into the pressure of being liked above being obedient. May we all strive to be faithful to our call from Christ whatever that call may be!

What does God require?

So many times I find myself being pulled in a million different directions. As a pastor's wife, wife, and mother, there are so many "good" things that I can give my time to. People have certain expectations and requirements that they feel like I should do. I find myself playing tug of war with my responsibilities as a wife, mother, and a pastors wife.

I never expected to be a pastors wife, and so I never thought that that would be in my list of things to figure out. :) Pete and I often have conversations on what things that he should do or not do and what things we have to shuffle around or not do so that he can do the things that pull at him.

Whew! I find myself many times asking the question, "What does God REALLY require of us?" What is it that at the end of the day will be important to the one who matters most, God!

It's so hard to know what are the "best" things to give yourself to when you have a family and many other responsibilities. God is teaching me that the most important thing is found right in scripture.

One day, when Pete was having a particularly hard day to handle, God led me to this verse in Micah 6:8. It says, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

This verse brings such peace to my heart because it reminds me that doing what God requires of us is not really as complicated as we make it. The thing that pleases Jesus is for us to be just, merciful, and humble before him.  Sometimes that means we have to choose not to do some of the things that others want us to do, and that's ok. If the ways we are serving are sapping all the life out of us and taking away from the time we need to focus on our relationship with Christ, then those things need to go.

This is a constant struggle for me because I LOVE to serve! It's in my spiritual DNA. When God saved me, he gave me a heart to serve, and I get GREAT joy in doing it. But, like with every positive thing in your life, there can be a negative if you don't watch it. For me, it's to be so busy working for God that I lose track of working with God. God is helping me to strike that balance and learn to get my approval from Him. I love Jesus so much, and there is not a day that goes by that when my mind thinks about it, I am not truly amazed that He chose to save me!

Thank you Jesus for loving me and saving me!